A Revelation to Taoism

I grew up in a small town in north eastern Indiana, a small town called La Porte. From here my family traveled to Indianapolis, where we stayed for a short while. My parents divorced while I was living in Indiana, and moved in separate directions. My mother remarried when I was four years old and moved the family first to Tampa, Florida and then to Carmel, Indiana. From here my step father found a job as a salesman, marketing conveyor belts to various companies. The job lasted for a time up until the point that my brother was born. By this time I was seven years old. The birth of my brother David was a high point in my parents' lives, but followed with a heavy blow that would change the course of my family's history. My step father, Bill, had been fired from his job as a salesman. As the baby had arrived and the job lost, our financial situation turned for the worst. Bill sought various related jobs in the industry and found one location in Minneapolis, Minnesota. His experience and personality won him a position at the company, and we found ourselves moving to the northern state. A state that would bring a cold and difficult struggle to find the American dream amongst the rubble of hardship. Our time in Minneapolis lasted five years, a long time for a moving family that would spend on average of two years in any location. Here I met and grew up with various friends and begun to learn the ways of the world. By the end of our time in Minneapolis, Bill had risen to success in his company, and found new positions in other locations around the country. As any middle-classed family seeking the fortunes offered by higher status and bigger pay, we found ourselves migrating to the Lincoln state. Chicago would be our home for the next two years and it was here that I grew an interest in technology and met like-minded friends that introduced me to the technical foundations that I hold today. This was also the point in my life that I met and begun to struggle with fear in much of my daily life. I had entered junior and senior highschool, an arena of social warfare that would broadside me with confusion until I would find myself years later. From Illinois, we began another tour of the country by moving west, to California, where my understanding and passion for technology grew faster and stronger than I could imagine. However, the insecurities and fear that I had not faced during my time in Chicago had resurfaced and poisoned me throughout my time in the western state. Though I found refuge with the social barriers offered by the internet, it would only be a temporary cure for a long term sickness. So, I had found my self staying away from large crowds and preying eyes, only hoping that one day I might find the solution that defused every kind of energy I could spare. This would continue for a while, and the problems would gradually build in dominance. To my luck, we had only lasted a couple years in California, and plans were in place to move east, far east, to Charlotte, North Carolina. The location alone could have been overwhelming for anyone, but for me it was an opportunity for a fresh start. Here I would finish high school and continue to the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. My time in college allowed me to remove myself from the family and begin to think on my own and build on dreams that I had been seeking my whole life. I began courses in software development, that would lay the framework for the kind of work that I do today. But the true wealth of knowledge that I acquired began when my problems arose. I had begun to experience the same kind of afflictions and pain that I had experienced my whole life, and it became a daunting task just to shift my thinking away from the hurt. I had become complacent in that I was either different, unattractive, mean, stupid or all of the above. I had blamed others when I couldn't stop blaming myself. I would hit bottomless pits of thought and escape with uneasiness. My droughts of energy would be accompanied with a lack of sleep. My dreams would be clouded with nightmares and horror stories. Days where I could fight the pain would only end in seeing a struggle at night and in my dreams. I would fight others because I thought they made me feel what I felt. I would fight my family because they never understood and only made it worse. I would stay up all night, forget to do homework or forget to be social, and the hardships would just pile higher and higher. Whenever I wanted to be close to someone, I would always feel the same resentment or indifference that I had felt for so long. I could feel there was something wrong, but never knew where to look, until finally I found help. My help came in the form of drugs, and I smoked marijuana because I felt like it unveiled a part of me that was closed off in obscurity throughout my everyday life. Marijuana did what nothing could have ever done to me before. It scared me into paralysis. I had never felt so much fear and pain and disgust in my entire life, and though Marijuana brought it out, it was not the cause. It only showed me what was. It brought me to a level of self observation that I was completely oblivious of from before. I never chose to look inwards, because I always had an ability to keep a tolerance of the pain that was inflicted upon me in everyday life. I had been living amongst a tolerance of pain, and never realizing that I could be living in joy. My entire life had been struck with the idea of misery as a means of exploration and achievement. I had willingly accepted the idea of negativity into my being every single day of my life. And every single day of my life, more and more would accumulate, and more and more would be tolerated. Each day I would grow more strength to defeat the hardships that presented themselves. Each day growing more tolerant for bitterness and disgust. Each day building on another until the balloon had been filled so large, that anything could erupt its massive size with the tiniest of self perspective. And marijuana opened the gates of hell. So much so, that I had physically shook and jerked in the chair where I was smoking my joint. I had never felt so much torment and fear, that I could do nothing but look deeper, and let every known substance of pain come forward in my conscious mind. Every angle of life that had ever disturbed me began to flash across my eyes. Each moment of realization, each moment of glancing horror, shook my being and rattled my mind. I could not tolerate or control this immense fury of hate, and so I would do anything to hide from it. I took a hatred towards marijuana, not because it made more of the pain that I had felt, but because it opened me to the pain that existed, and I couldn't contain it. It took me several periods of smoking, usually lasting weeks in between, until I finally realized what I was witnessing. I came to realize that I had been seeing myself for who I really was. I was seeing myself for what everyone else could see. I was seeing the ugliness that made the world want to reject me. I had finally begun to see and understand the monumental ice berg of loathing pain and decrepit emotion that had sunk a hole into my way of life ever sense I could think. Though at first, the chronic had shown me a glimpse of what was in store and invoked fear that paralyzed my being, I begun to consider it a new challenge to discover and find knowledge. So I would slowly find more and more time to hide away and smoke, while exploring more and more of my past and the universe. At first it was finding stupidity in my actions, or seeing falsities in my words, but later I would discover there was always something deeper and something left to imagine and explore. The further I went inside, however, the more my abilities on the outside would improve. I had begun as a startled, insecure young man, and grew into a machine of philosophy. Each time I would get high, there was something new that would shift my thinking. Each time I would find horror and retribution. I would find God, and find love. I would find nature, and find emotion. But always something deeper. Until one day, the greatest of all revelations would appear out of no where. The single greatest of all things was not even a singularity. The single greatest of all things was the core and governing philosophy of absolutely everything in life, and would become the most fundamental idea that I would hold true to for years to come. Before, I had struggled for so long, trying to find methods or actions to take that would give me certain success. Using lines on women, or saying a certain word to my friends. I would comb my hair a certain way, or put on a certain facial expression. All of this to act in a certain way I believed would gain me success. And all of which failed in time. The idea was not the actions or the methods that went wrong, it was my concentration on one particular idea or concept. One side that would solve all of my problems. One truth, and one solution that would cure everything. And the single greatest of all things became the revelation that tore to pieces my philosophy towards actions and methods I thought would win me a life. The single greatest of all things is not absolute. It is not one-sided. It is not this or that. It is not black or white. It is not right or wrong. It is NOT ANYTHING. It is ALL. The single greatest of all things is the BALANCE of all things. It is both sides. It is the dualism of direction. The dualism of righteousness. The dualism of light. The dualism of sexes. The dualism of EVERYTHING. Everything is a duality. Because nothing is absolute. My wiring of this philosophy pieced together and continues to piece together the scattered concepts I hold about life, and solidifies them into one single and wholesome philosophy. And that philosophy is the basis of Fundamental Taoism. Fundamental Taoism states that there can only be two sides to a duality, and no one side can be reached without having a part of the opposing side. You can not have light without darkness. You can not have right without wrong. To be right, you must know wrong, and vice-versa. Fundamental Taoism states that absolutely everything is also in a constant fluctuation of dualities, and that fluctuation is called the Flow. The flow is this exact moment in time and through time. It is your pathway in life. The most absolute and balanced moment in time is right now. Fundamental Taoism also uncovers other mysteries of life simply by the fact and only fact that everything is relative to something else. And ever since I discovered Fundamental Taoism, the world of mystery has become a dream that I have always wanted to live. I continue to discover more, and with this knowledge, one can not be held back with fear, and can not be held back with negativity or distortion of truth. One is open to emotion and balance. Open to love and understanding. Open to the world, and above all, open to their self. Ask yourself this very question. If you can find one thing in this world that is absolute, you have discovered the meaning of the universe. And because no one has ever discovered the meaning of the universe, you will unfortunately or fortunately never find an opposing argument to the idea of Fundamental Taoism. And that is why I challenge you to search yourself and to search the world around you, and connect the missing pieces you have always wondered about yourself to this simple and easy to understand concept. Fundamental Taoism is the idea that everything, including yourself is a duality. And to use the duality as your core, and not as a mere philosophy to quote, you will find yourself discovering something remarkable about yourself that you never realized. And that is truly the greatness of all things in life.

Philosophy of the Clinton Psyche

Hillary and Bill Clinton both have a unique talent. This talent is a very emotional and tactical method used in benefiting themselves either through campaign publicity, policy manufacturing or political expression as a whole. The talent is quite simple if you understand the elements that are in play.

First, let me explain the emotional part of this tactic. Fear or more specifically, negative emotions are used to depress the people witnessing or listening to either person. The point of the emotion is not that they actually feel that emotion, but rather that it is being used to create an effect on the people. When people are feeling bad emotions and do not have a conscious awareness of this fact, then they are confused. They lack the stability to overcome such emotions because they do not know the reason for its existence or why it was used on their psyche. This negative emotion can either be displayed or perpetrated through speech or action, such as in corrupt policy or law making. The first is quite easy to witness, and can be seen or experienced through Hillary Clinton's various speeches to the public. If one were to listen to her speak, that person, when asked to describe what they felt while listening to her, would say they feel a bit of negativity, or they feel a slight amount of fear. But when Hillary herself is described, that same person would say she puts on a aura of confidence and stature, with a bit of arrogance. However, this next question would seem to be quite odd. When asked the same person how they feel towards Hillary when she is communicating in this way, he or she would say they feel captured, or feel as though she has a power to overcome the negative feelings and that they are apprehended by that leadership.

What makes the latter so difficult to explain and comprehend is because of the soft intimidation that is occurring. The fear or negative emotion that is produced from the stature or characteristic of the person is then used as bait to pull the mindset towards herself. She gains approval through confusion in the people who are seeking understanding and direction. She gains respect through disorientation. And her decision making is greatly enhanced by the eagerness of the people to rid their minds of the dissatisfying feeling. She poses as the person to alleviate that pain. Similar to a drug that has a side effect of pain that can only be cured through additional medicine.

The endless cycle of pain to a cure could not be broken if the individual does not maintain the ability to observe what is happening. The negativity in the cycle is what collapses those who absorb the sensation of the person broadcasting the feeling. Without knowledge that it is merely a negative emotion, and merely a negative chemical, then that individual will be captured by the effect of the chemical. Which can include depression, sorrow, pain, misery, confusion, dissatisfaction, anger, delusion, resentment and many other negative descriptions. Whatever the description, it is simply describing the same thing; the negative emotion. This chemical lures us into a state that we simply do not want to be in, and when presented a leader that has strength over the emotion they are broadcasting, they are seen as the only viable solution to disengage and evacuate the painful chemicals.

Bill Clinton has a similar method to producing this end result. His policies have often included areas of legislation that benefit him either financially or in some other positive manner. These areas have not had a positive impact on the society they require to exist, because they either allow for negative consequences of the people financially or in crime, poverty or drug related activity. These very subtle actions in policy will then show themselves through time, and eventually disrupt the people's emotions in a negative manner. People begin to look for help through the authorities to solve the situation, and this is where the cycle comes full circle. Mr. Clinton would then have the position of authority to step in and offer the level-headed stature and calmness that people seek, and find joy in listening to his healing words. These words are used to alleviate the people of the pains they feel by showing support for additional policy and law that would temporary or permanently create aid against those harmful events implemented from previous legislation that he brought forward.

Mr. Clinton presents himself as the people's man, only as a vice to sell people on the legislation that often benefits his well being in the long run but is packaged as a benefit to the people at the time it is being passed through Congress.

Psychological manipulation is very subtle but dangerous. Caution and awareness of your feelings should be in place to detect this endless and negative cycle. Be aware of yourself when experiencing a speech from either person. If you feel yourself becoming depressed or negative, do not associate that feeling with the words or stories being told. Rather, realize that this could very well be a play by Hillary or Bill Clinton to bait your emotions into changing your way of thought. Both people are not of higher status or more intelligence because of this. They only know a way of causing these types of emotional chemicals inside of you, and if you do not realize this, then those emotions have free capability to take your thought patterns down a path that you would otherwise avoid.

Be warned, and stay positive. Your emotions are natural, and should not be played on by other people. Find well being with yourself, and seek to avoid those things that create painful emotional chemicals in your body. Having the ability to detect this manipulation will save you much sorrow but will also give you the power to enhance positive feelings as well.

Again, take care, stay positive, and feel good!

p.s. Here is a pic that you can look at and train yourself with.

Here goes with my flows

I am seeing other people in my mind,
They are not me, so my sub conscience feels out of line.
When i picture someone or invest my energy in other beings,
I try to focus my behavior to match their feelings.
But now that I am aware of what I do,
I don't feel down, or unnaturally blue.
I need to refocus my attention on what I want,
And what I truly want to flaunt.
But if i get too invested in the end result,
It will crush onto me, it will be my own fault
For not appreciating what i have, right at this moment
And instead going after other's own fulfillment.
I should instead walk my own internal path,
And seek the way I want, and not feel the wrath.
I use my own internal guidance, it takes me where I want.
Sometimes it helps, to get lower through a blunt.
To understand these things, these complex connected things,
Creates stress and negative understanding, if i don't know my own feelings.
This is why smoking and drinking helps people to understand and look below,
To a nature we don't see, but instead we feel through a flow.
One day we can be up, and the other we can be down,
But it is the goodness of understanding we seek, not the frown.
Because in the end, the knowledge creates awareness,
And awareness uplifts us out of ignorance and into fairness.
To a higher state of being, the next stage or next step,
That gives us perspective, that puts our mind in depth.

Put your mind in depth

Is it really stupidity?

My previous posts have been quite down and unaligned, but for this post I hope to reconnect with what is truly trying to come out in expression and words. So I hope to have the following post and all future posts be primarily self supported therapies that I have listened to from the source that lies beneath. Be it God, be it Earth, be it my internal genetics, be it whatever you want. The fact is, these messages and therapies, through poetic rhythm, have helped me to better understand myself whenever I feel confused, down, depressed or generally without direction. Please don't take it as depression or self loathing. It is not my intent to focus on negativity. Instead, it is real time poetry that is derived from seeking awareness in my own soul and psyche. So if you would like a first person perspective on exploring one's soul and personally escaping ignorance, evil and other forms of close-mindedness or pain, then read on and enjoy.

Being Bahamian - Recap the rap

I wasn't able to post after the first day because I don't like to write. No, I'm kidding. The computer I was using was borrowed from my step dad who had to use it for work, and was busy most of the time. Also, my experiences were, unfortunately, short lived.

After being "hi-jacked" almost four times after the first day, things were looking grim, not to mention the weather fouled on the fourth day. Four wasn't really our lucky number. We weren't able to dive or fish after our first run on Sunday and Monday. But all in all the time was good.

We went out to a spot in the southern part of Nassau, and swam through a coral reef, a ship wreck, and saw some extremely unreal views of a resort/mansion owned by a guy named Nieger (spelling?). I'll have a post somewhere on flickr (http://www.flickr.com/photos/camarofloyd) when I develop them.

I'm sitting here after a cigarette I smoked, and I'm somewhat empty of energy. It's hard to explain, but it usually happens after a point of uneventful moments. I try to knock myself out, and try to think things out, but I'm still lost in a space of confusion. I ask God for help, relapse through the past, and try to find myself once again.

I have a new Ipod Nano, that I am planning on using as a portal for music interests as I flow through hiphop's past. But really, right now, I'm tired, and a bit sick. I'm not sure, but it's usually the same source, a leaking energy I have within. A lack of productivity is usually to blame, but mainly my lack of connection and vision to the world and my own destiny.

I sit back. The taste of cigarette smoke and menthol slurs around my mouth, and my migraine thumps a little more. Destination is still unclear.

The Bahamas could have been more, but I think my lesson there was well learned. Be real. That's what I have experienced. When I was in Nassau, I felt somewhat detached from upper civilization, and in a way, it was good. It gave me perspective.

I am typing now, really uncertain about things... and I look at my writing and I feel it is empty, lacking power, lacking vision, lacking what I want to convey. I feel I have to write so much, extend so much energy to get a feeling into words. It doesn't work. I listen to music, and there is something there. Something quick and simple that conveys a feeling. The energy and emotion is there. It pumps the blood and moves the body. The words align the mind and the beat is the convoy, the pathway of connection that perpetrates the thoughts. There is something there that I want to integrate into my own methods, something I want to connect with myself. I want to make music, I want to flow my mind onto paper and construct my own perspective onto life's test and God's path that is laid for me. I want to rap, I want to flow and be free with words and thought. I want to begin a pathway, a method, my own style.

I relax, I feel, I connect... I begin.

The pieces are set, and taken within
I feel the power moving, theres nothing to sin
When the time comes, to open and close
Theres the pendulum swinging, confident in prose
Nothing so close, a pin drop and flows
Take my love and take my mind, Your the one that I find
Believe me and take me, I'm yours now o course
Don't lead me away, from the time that is yours
There's a connection between us, a feeling thats true
I'm no longer blind, but now and new
Whenever there is darkness, I feel and see
The doorway is shining, the light is free
A step brings me closer, to a life that is pure
I can only hope now, the distance is short
My feet lead me, in the darkness of light
I jump headfirst, in a world filled a trife
No problems arise, and nothing to excite
I wish only for God, and what is the knife
I reach out for the answers and see the unknown
Mistaking the world, for the future thats grown
But lacking the history, and the past of the wise
I can only walk down, a roadway of skys
To a sea of answers, but the lake is just ice
I walk on water, but the cracks are sewn rice
Must you take me down, through the sheets so thin
The future is not certain, but my willingness is gin
I seek what thou know, and have brought to us all
The kingdom of heaven, a reality thats calm
My words pass now, the passage is closed
Take with you a beat, and now this post
So I want to rhyme further, and express my self deeper
But the words are new now, can't make that sound realer
So I'll close this blog, with a rhyme that I send
About which its time, so go now my friend
Begin what you send.

Peace.

Being Bahamian - Day 1

I was surprised when we landed. Most flights, your on it for 5 hours and you want to kill someone when you get off. Not this one. My back usually will only give me 3 hours until I start noticing the pain, and then it just explodes, and theres nothing i can do about it. It's stress. I know its there, and I deal with it. No big. Both flights were no more than 3 hours, and it was great.

Today, things moved relatively fast. We were in Nassau around 1pm. I was amazed to see, for the first time, a customs routine that in a few words, hardly existed. I could have been carrying a sack of drugs, and they wouldnt have noticed. Okay, not a sack of it, but you know what I mean. The Bahamas is very laid back, from what I can tell right now, and I'm loving it.

After checking into the hotel, which by the way I think was the only building in all of Nassau that had air conditioning, my parents and I found the Executive club on the 6th floor, following the discovery of the cocktail bar. I felt awkward at first walking up to it with my parents there. It was weird, but when you get the drink, nothing really fuckin matters anyways.

So I downed the rum and coke and relaxed while my brother and step dad threw rhetoric comments back and forth trying to identify the plans of the evening. Which, by the way, didn't really conclude on any certainty. So, like always with my family, we just do... whatever.

Our room, separate then my parents, was taking a while to prepare, so we headed out the door to a well known place in the area, "The Poop Deck". Yeah, its funny to say, and probably the reason why we chose it in the first place. "Lets go to the Poop Deck" my mom would say... we all roll our eyes.

When we get there, we're greeted with friendly smiles and a couple people from back home. They noticed my Chicago Cubs t-shirt, and made a comment. I showed my support for the team, but really just covered up the fact that its just a shirt, and my true support goes to the Sox. But it's all good, and it's all about being friendly and having a good time while you're out of your home country.

I wasn't exactly sure what to choose from the Poop Deck menu, so I asked the experienced perspective, and decided on the grilled grouper. Sounds good right? Damn right it was! That was probably the best cooked fish I've ever had, but then, not to deflate the rating, I don't usually eat fish. I know salmon, mahi mahi, but this kills everything. Maybe it was the seasoning, or the timing. Either way it was great. My plug goes out to you, Poop Deck, your magic in the great Bahama grouper has won my heart.... Okay back to reality. Everyone else's food was great, and even the comments that were thrown around as the parents and I slowly got more inebriated. It was fun.

We called a taxi, and a stocky gray van drove up, and a man came out to negotiate a price. At first he called it at $15, but we caught him when we said the taxi that brought us charged $10. He reversed, and brought it down to 6. Business exists everywhere. It's great.

Off we went down the left handed roads, dodging mopeds, and honking at unattentive passer-bys. My mom decided to pick up a conversation about driving on the opposite side of the roads, and at first my brother and I wanted to hold her back, but with my mom it's a lost cause and she continued. We learned a few things about Nassau after the driver replied to a couple simple questions. For example, my premonitions of the town being a tourist trap got shot to shit when we learned there was a spot somewhere near the hotel we were staying that had some twenty or more locally owned restaurants that many people, especially tourists, aren't aware of. So hopefully, at some point in this trip of ours, we'll be able to hit that area up, and see where all the local fun is at.

We arrived at the hotel with a surprise of seeing the local highschools having a streak of proms, each one appearing at the hotel, and there were mobs of students, including band members with instruments and all, to prove it. To me this was a different thing considering American high schools don't seem to get into school events as much as they could. Here, however, it's a different story. Crowds of students flooded the streets, and at one point we didn't think we could gain access to the hotel. It was insane, and unfortunately, I didn't have a working camera to take a shot. But really, the imagination can sum it up quite nicely: Streets, rivers of people all dressed for success in the eyes of their friends. Not to mention the style and class of one couple that drove up in what looked like an old 1920 British Bentley Classic. That's smooth.

We get in the hotel, where our separate room is ready to be occupied, and we grab our stuff and move in. Almost minutes later, we're out the door, really, at first, just to take pictures of the prom. But then randomosity kicked in and we were out on the street looking for people to show us the nightlife. And sure enough, opportunity came knocking. But really, just the illusion of it.

A local connection artist (sorry, its the only word I could come up with) came over and asked us what was up. What we didn't realize was this guy was a fake. He offered to hook us up with club deals, and of course, seeking a good time, we thought it to be a good deal. So we gave him 30-35 bucks, and we got a couple pieces of paper with their name on the back. They were definately pulling crowds into new parties around town. It was all good, they appeared to be straight up good fellas, but what we didn't realize was our next mistake. We were really seeking some chronic, and they offered a connection. So we thought this was great, the first people we found in town offered us deals to clubs and a hook up for some dank. So the prices came down, and we finished at 60 for a 1/4. We were feeling good, because the prices in Chicago were definately higher than here. It didn't matter if a better price existed, this was good for us. We settled and handed half the cash as down. We would not see the product of this money.

The dealers had told us to come by around 11:30 with the rest of the money and they would have the goods. But after showing up, only one was there, but no weed. He assured us the goods would be there and we believed him. And after a couple minutes, we realized we didn't have any papers to roll, and asked the guy if he could grab some for us as he knew where to go. No problem he told us, and we gave him some cash, and off he went. We wouldnt see him or his boy at all.

Feeling a big loss after waiting close to an hour, we thought things were getting boring. And just our good luck, our soon-to-be connection in the Bahamas walked straight down our street. "Yo, you smoke?" he said. "Of course" we replied. And the rest went with no problem. We told him about the previous dealer, and he shook his head. "Bro, you got taken." And we knew it. So it was a bummer, no doubt. But to keep things going great that night, we would try this next guy out, and he would prove to be reliable. He led us down to his part of the neighborhood, and after being a little hesitant about it all, it turned out to be nothing at all. He introduced us to his boys, where we would stay while he went out to grab a quarter.

Fifteen minutes passed, and we started to feel the same thing was happening as before. His boy went out to check where he was, and came back with something we didn't want to hear. "He's gone," he said. "Noo way," Dave said. At first I wanted to be cool about it, but I could tell Dave was not liking it at all. But, to our surprise, and not seconds later, he showed up with what we thought to be the best looking and best smelling chronic we've ever seen. Dave was impressed, and after looking at it closer, I understood what he meant. We took the bag and began walking out. "No no, you need that somewhere else," the dealer told us. I didn't understand, but then it made sense. The police was so bad in the area, you couldn't trust your own pockets. "Put them in your camera," they told me, and I agreed. I stashed it in my camera's battery compartment, and the rest is history. We headed back to the hotel... where I am at this moment, moving into the clouds.

As I'm looking back at today, I begin to realize the world outside the States is much different than what I'm used to. And I'm not surprised. For one, people in the Bahamas have been great people, even though we've had a bad instance with a couple. I'm thinking right now, that this week is definately going to be interesting, no doubt and I will be keeping everyone in the know.

And on that note, its time to close it up... and... done.

First day

Yeah. I'm writing a post. It seems pathetic to me, and I don't know why. I don't write, and when I do write it takes too long. Whatever. What I am really fed up with is how things are. How things don't go my way. I have been delving into some interesting topics lately, like religion, politics, art, philosophy. I want to wrap my head around it. I want to experience life, I dunno. There's a part of me that is like, what the fuck is going on here. Where am I. What the fuck have I been doing for the last part of my life. Am I really sitting in a chair at my office at 10:56 pm after being the yes man all day to people that seem to offer no entertainment or no joy in return. Its like, whats the point. There is no point. There is no point to why I sit here, except ... nothing.

I'm handed a DVD today, which I was thankful for, as it was something that came out of a discussion I had with a coworker the other day. So after a while, its now sitting in front of me, at work, and I don't want to watch it. Because I know what it is. I know how I'm going to feel after it, and I'm already feeling depressed. It's called 'Invisible Children,' based on the true events taking place in Africa. I know what it is about. It is about a mad man, that is using some brainwashing technique to acquire the children of the villages they overtake. They take these children, helpless, starving, and wishing only for the love of their parents, and these fuckers come in and take them. They take them to who knows where and they give them guns. They give them guns and they tell two of them, if they don't kill the other first, they will die. So these children, aged not even 16 are faced with something no one should ever face, the fact you have to kill someone or be killed for no fucking reason. Its bullshit.

So here I am getting uncomfortable about life, this movie, and why I'm here at this job at 11:15 pm (now). And I realize, its not the things or people I'm mad at, its the things that I am not getting, and trying too hard to get them.

And now, its strange to me. I'm looking at what I'm writing, about to post this live, and I'm giving everything about myself to the world, to humanity. To make myself public, and show everyone that I'm this unbalanced, unstable, always changing person. I have my flaws, but I don't like to express them. I don't like to put them out there. I like to bottle them up inside, and work them out. Plain and fucking simple.

So why am I doing this? Because, honestly, I've given up. I've given up trying to figure it out in my head. I'm done trying to push myself, done working myself to death trying to accomplish things. I am at the point, right now, where I am chilling, expressing my perspective, and not giving a fuck who the fuck reads this. So yes, I understand you'll know about me. And deep down there is a part of me that is thinking, someone could just hop on here and use this against me. Well, I'm going to be honest with myself, if I hold back anymore, I'm only giving people and myself reason to try and pick underneath my skin. So you can have it all. Have it. I'm an open book. Learn all my mistakes, my bullshit ranting and uneducated guesses on what life is. You can have it, and if you come knocking on my door, laughing in my face, I won't give a shit, because right now I don't give a shit. I want something more, and if I don't get this out of me, I may as well turn into some introverted pissy old man, yelling at the stars because it gave him nothing in return. What a great guy.

Tick tock, you don't stop. Yeah, i just said that. I'm at a writers block, on my first post. I fuckin love it. I don't know how to end this. I really don't. I'm not used to journals, blogs, or any of that. All I do know is that there's going to be another day... another lesson. So with that, its 11 fuckin 39, and im just going to end this right now....