First day

Yeah. I'm writing a post. It seems pathetic to me, and I don't know why. I don't write, and when I do write it takes too long. Whatever. What I am really fed up with is how things are. How things don't go my way. I have been delving into some interesting topics lately, like religion, politics, art, philosophy. I want to wrap my head around it. I want to experience life, I dunno. There's a part of me that is like, what the fuck is going on here. Where am I. What the fuck have I been doing for the last part of my life. Am I really sitting in a chair at my office at 10:56 pm after being the yes man all day to people that seem to offer no entertainment or no joy in return. Its like, whats the point. There is no point. There is no point to why I sit here, except ... nothing.

I'm handed a DVD today, which I was thankful for, as it was something that came out of a discussion I had with a coworker the other day. So after a while, its now sitting in front of me, at work, and I don't want to watch it. Because I know what it is. I know how I'm going to feel after it, and I'm already feeling depressed. It's called 'Invisible Children,' based on the true events taking place in Africa. I know what it is about. It is about a mad man, that is using some brainwashing technique to acquire the children of the villages they overtake. They take these children, helpless, starving, and wishing only for the love of their parents, and these fuckers come in and take them. They take them to who knows where and they give them guns. They give them guns and they tell two of them, if they don't kill the other first, they will die. So these children, aged not even 16 are faced with something no one should ever face, the fact you have to kill someone or be killed for no fucking reason. Its bullshit.

So here I am getting uncomfortable about life, this movie, and why I'm here at this job at 11:15 pm (now). And I realize, its not the things or people I'm mad at, its the things that I am not getting, and trying too hard to get them.

And now, its strange to me. I'm looking at what I'm writing, about to post this live, and I'm giving everything about myself to the world, to humanity. To make myself public, and show everyone that I'm this unbalanced, unstable, always changing person. I have my flaws, but I don't like to express them. I don't like to put them out there. I like to bottle them up inside, and work them out. Plain and fucking simple.

So why am I doing this? Because, honestly, I've given up. I've given up trying to figure it out in my head. I'm done trying to push myself, done working myself to death trying to accomplish things. I am at the point, right now, where I am chilling, expressing my perspective, and not giving a fuck who the fuck reads this. So yes, I understand you'll know about me. And deep down there is a part of me that is thinking, someone could just hop on here and use this against me. Well, I'm going to be honest with myself, if I hold back anymore, I'm only giving people and myself reason to try and pick underneath my skin. So you can have it all. Have it. I'm an open book. Learn all my mistakes, my bullshit ranting and uneducated guesses on what life is. You can have it, and if you come knocking on my door, laughing in my face, I won't give a shit, because right now I don't give a shit. I want something more, and if I don't get this out of me, I may as well turn into some introverted pissy old man, yelling at the stars because it gave him nothing in return. What a great guy.

Tick tock, you don't stop. Yeah, i just said that. I'm at a writers block, on my first post. I fuckin love it. I don't know how to end this. I really don't. I'm not used to journals, blogs, or any of that. All I do know is that there's going to be another day... another lesson. So with that, its 11 fuckin 39, and im just going to end this right now....